Delving into the Heart
by CrimsonMoonAlchemist
Summary: When Alex and Sarah fail at bringing their sister back to life, they lose hope. Can Ed and Al help them regain their smiles? Sorry I suck at the summary. I wrote this a while back, and I'm working on rewriting what I lost of it I lost everything after cha
1. Mind of an Alchemist

**Author's note**: This is to tell you ahead of time, this story is about a fan-character in the FMA universe that later meets up with Ed and Al. I thought up this story (and began writing it) before I finished watching the series, and I hadn't seen the movie either, so excuse me for anything weird that doesn't seem to fit. The first few chapters will be about Alexia and her sister Sarah. This first one gives a little bit of background into the mindset Alexia had as a child and a little about her life before the story starts. Alexia also performs a human transmutation, and although the outcome is similar to Ed and Al's, I'm not trying to make them much alike… (If they succeeded in the transmutation, that would kill the loss of innocence from their child hood and take an important event from them that scars them for life, not to mention it would kill the whole thing about not being able to succeed, so I can't have that, and if the outcome wasn't similar to Ed and Al's… they'd be dead and then there'd be no story.) Okay so now that all that's out of the way…

**Mind of an Alchemist**

As a young child, Alexia had the perfect mindset for an alchemist, although alchemy was unknown to her. She often wondered about things that were usually beyond imagination for a child. She would sit and wonder about death. When you die, does the soul continue on as if nothing happened? Can you be reincarnated? Where would child get its soul if not from someone already deceased, after all, you can't create something from nothing. Even human bodies are made up from different substances they get from other things, whether through food or a glass of water. Everything that exists is made up of things that have already existed. Nothing can create itself. Our bodies are made from materials that have been on this earth since the beginning of time, so the components of our bodies must be thousands… if not millions, or, no matter how crazy it sounds, maybe even _billions_ of years old. If you could understand all the components of all matter, what's to stop you from rearranging the molecules to turn it into something new? It's like making a cake. If you have the right ingredients, you can make one, but if you could figure out how to regain the sugar and flour etc that you used to make the cake, you could use it to make other things as well. If you could find out how to create a life and sustain it, the possibilities could be endless. These ideas and concepts forming in her mind always scared her. It's not mankind's job to do these things, and if it was possible, how could she be the only one to think of it? But… she couldn't really find anything else to say was wrong with her theory. How could it _not_ be possible? It always left her wondering and the concept was so huge that sometimes she confused herself. But she always asked herself_ if this_ is_ possible, why am I the only one that's thought about it?_ That's when she discovered that she wasn't alone. She discovered alchemy.

By age eight, bother Alexia's parents had died and she was living with her 18 year old sister Tara and six year old sister Sarah. Although she had known the concept of alchemy as long as she could remember, she didn't discover alchemy itself until she was ten. She loved reading about alchemy. It was as if these books were the only things in existence that could understand how her mind worked, though she was desperate to try alchemy herself, like her whole life she had been destined to achieve the goals her mind had always told her were possible. She would spend most of her time reading until age 11, when she asked herself, _why not actually try this?_ She turned out to be an outstanding alchemist and she was particularly interested in the biological studies, as they had never seemed to work for anyone she'd read about. She tried to figure out where they had gone wrong until she was convinced that human transmutation was possible if done the right way. When she was 12, Tara died in an accident. She believed that it was at this moment that her studying would pay off.

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"Are you sure this will work?" Sarah asked her older sister.

"What kind of question is that!" Alexia shouted. "I have worked on this stuff since before I even knew what alchemy was! Of course I'm sure!" She checked the transmutation circle she had drawn for any mistakes. She had checked it many times. They couldn't afford any mistakes.

"But no one's ever succeeded before."

"And I've read about them and worked out all of their mistakes," Alexia replied as she checked all the measurements of the things she needed to complete the transmutation.

"But don't you think…" Sarah hesitated, "that they had believed that they'd worked out all the mistakes as well?" she finished in a whisper. Alexia closed her eyes.

"Everything is perfect. There's no way we can fail. It's too late to back out now." Sarah nodded. Alexia took a deep breath to calm herself. She had always been confident that if she really tried, she'd be able to do this. Her nervousness was overcoming that strong confidence. _If you're nervous, you can make mistakes,_ she told herself. _That's the only way this could go wrong is to be unsure of myself._ Another voice inside her said that Sarah was right, but she refused to listen. _This _will_ work!_ "You ready?" Alexia asked. Sarah nodded again with a look of determination on her face. Upon seeing that, Alexia's confidence returned to her. It filled her heart, her mind, her soul. It rushed through her veins and pumped throughout her whole body to the tips of her fingers, which she placed on the ground before her. Light blared into their eyes. _This is it._ Suddenly she felt a searing pain below her left elbow. Blood splattered like mist up to her face as her arm was taken from her. She clutched her elbow with her other hand and gritted her teeth. As she blinked the blood from her eyes, she became aware of one thing: _I'm still alive._ This was unheard of with human transmutation. Her heart pounded hope through he. She looked to the middle of the circle. _It's worked. It must have!_ She looked up to see the fleshless face of her older sister and stared into the sightless white eyes. Alexia's eyes widened and her breath seemed to stop. The pain of her arm seemed to vanish, being overcome by her fear. She felt all the confidence and hope that had rushed through her turn to icy poison. "Nee-chan!"Alexia whirled around to see Sarah being dragged through that gateway by dark shadows, disintegrating before her eyes.

**Footnotes:** Nee-chan a term used to refer to an older sister in Japanese. (Although FullMetal Alchemist is based in an English speaking world/place/thing… There's a reason I want her to refer to her that way, and it's just not normal in English to say "Older sister! Help!" but it's normal for Japanese, so I'm using it that way. If you don't like it, get over it.)


	2. Hidden Identity

**Author's note**: This is only the 2nd fanfic I've written (as a story). The last one was written over a year ago and underdeveloped. This one's more developed. Please review… Oh and by the way this is a while after chapter one if it's not obvious to you…This chapter is pretty short. The other ones should be longer, but I have no guarantees. All this is shorter when you type it up.

**Chapter 2 : Hidden Identity**

A few people stared at the two hooded figures as they stepped onto the train. Feeling their eyes on her, Alex pulled her cloak tighter around her so as to feel more securely hidden and closed off from the many people around her. She couldn't stand to be around crowds. Looking at the ground, she made her way to an empty seat, followed by Sarah. As the train began to move, Alex looked up. The eyes of all those around them were on the two sisters (though they quickly looked away when Alex looked up.) Of course, _we_ would _look slightly suspicious, _Alex thought. _Wearing heavy cloaks in the middle of autumn, when it's not exactly cold._

"Kind of warm in here, don't you think?" she said loudly to Sarah as she threw off the cloak to reveal a girl with short dark hair wearing oversized black pants and a long sleeved shirt with a collar made in the style that men in the East would wear.

"Eh? Ah… yeah," Sarah said, following her sister's example and taking off her cloak. Sarah had a pretty pale face with bright lips. Her black hair fell in waves around her face and her eyes were so dark they looked like glass. Her overall face was unmistakably Asian, although her sister seemed to be European. Despite this, people often believed they were from the East, and they just let people believe what they wanted. The passengers on the train seemed more relaxed once they took off the cloaks. Alex slumped down in the seat.

"I'm- so- tired," she yawned as she stretched her arms and placed them behind her head.

A searing pain burned through her right shoulder and she slumped forward. The blood soaked the side of her shirt and trickled down her back and stomach. She reached to wrap her arms around herself, to help her to endure the pain till the end, only to find a half arm on her left side helplessly moving about, feeling for nothing with a hand that no longer existed. Her arm dropped and she trembled to hold back what was inside her. She lifted her head to look at the life-sized doll before her. Its face was like a carefully made doll's, almost lifelike, and the body was like a complex puppet, able to move all the joints almost exactly like a human can. It quivered to life, slowly rising to stand, when suddenly the life seemed to vanish. The body quivered again, then fell to the ground. She let out an anguished cry filled with grief and hopelessness. The cry of one who has just lost everything with no chance of ever getting it back.

Alex sat up suddenly. She felt the rumbling of the train. Looking around, she saw the other passengers were calm and relaxed or tired and exhausted. This told her that she had not let this cry slip from her lips as she slept. The train began to slow, giving her a reason to put her cloak back on and seal away the weak and despairing girl inside.

**Author's note: **This is the part where I stopped typing this stuff up… I had more written on paper and in a folder, but I can't find the folder anywhere, so I'm going to have to remember what was written, although it will surely be different than the original (I'm not Scheska after all…). I thought up this story a while back and haven't thought about it for ages. I hadn't finished the series or seen the movie back then. If I don't update often it's because I know how I want this story to begin, I know some of what I want to happen, but I'm still unsure of how to end it and I don't know how I should link the events together and what should happen in between. This is why I usually don't write stuff… Anyway please leave me some reviews. I don't often write stories, and I want to know what people think.


	3. Equivalent Exchange

**Author's note:** Okay, so I remembered I was writing this story, and decided that since it didn't seem that I was going to find the folder with the original copy of the story in it, I'd have to rewrite this. This chapter is probably better than the original because for some reason I didn't have trouble putting this into words this time, which never happens. I am horrible at trying to word things, but I work at it until I get something out that says what I want. Anyway this chapter is obviously written in first person view, which I will do from time to time. This time it's coming from Alex. (Oh, and if you want to know why I suddenly started calling her by a nickname, you'll find out soon if you haven't already guessed.)

**Equivalent Exchange**

I met two people recently. One is short and blonde, around my age. His arm and leg are auto-mail, for reasons I have yet to know for sure, although I have some idea. The other is his younger brother, whom I've never really seen. He is always in that same suit of armor, and that's the only way I see him, day after day, so I can't help but wonder whether there's really anyone inside of it. They too are in search of the philosopher's stone. There's little doubt in my mind that they are the same as us and that they have committed the same sins. I can think of little else that would literally cost an arm and a leg, much less along with a body. They have a past similar to ours, yet we seem to be less noticeably affected by it. Two sinners walking around telling the world what they've done without a word. One look, and if you are educated in alchemy, you will understand they have preformed its greatest taboo. We aren't as noticeably affected by it. Unlike Al, Sarah's soul was transferred into a humanoid doll. The face is very lifelike, so as long as no one notices it shows no emotion, she's normal. My arms at one point were auto-mail, but I was able to design some which had a core similar to auto-mail but instead had an exterior that was similar in look and texture to flesh and skin. As long as no one realizes I do not feel… as long as no one notices I do not bleed, I am normal. So, of course, we are less noticeably affected… right?

It's strange how meeting new people makes you look more into yourself. Although they obviously have had a devastating past, and lost so much, you can still see happiness there at times. You can still see smiles. You can still hear laughter. And I wonder who was more noticeably affected… them or us? How long has it been since I've laughed? I can't remember how to smile, I no longer know the meaning of happiness. The light that shines in their eyes, I no longer have it. The light of hope? Hope is for those ignorant enough to believe they can achieve their goals. I have no more need for such a thing.

And yet… and yet… I don't understand. Why do they still carry hope in their hearts? My hope died out back then. Even though I had always believed I could so much, I no longer have faith in such a thing as myself. But why am I here on this earth? Surely it's not so I can hide myself from the world forever, and sulk inside myself, while pretending to be strong. Never releasing a tear. Never showing my weakness. Never releasing what's in my heart. Never showing myself to anyone, not even to myself. And yet… I wonder, does the world see me for who I am, even though I try to hide? I don't have the courage to smile, so does that show how weak I am? That light in their eyes, can you see that it's not there when you look at me? Am I hiding, or can the world see right through me? Am I the one that the world sees as having a tragic past? It's more noticeable than Ed's and Al's. How can they keep on smiling? How can they step forward without fear… without turning back? Why do they still carry that burden, hope, which I knew too foolish to keep? Why…? I believe in equivalent exchange. When I gained this freedom from the burden of hope, I lost something as well. Something deep inside that I cannot describe. What is it that I have lost?

**Author's note: **Okay so I rewrote it. YAY! I know that in the original copy of this I have the next chapter written in Ed's point of view. That may or may not change (as I haven't rewritten it yet), but chances are it will still be Ed's thoughts in the next chapter. And just a random note, I showed a picture of Alex in her big cloak and everything to my friend Mela and she asked "Why is she so short? Did she refuse to drink milk, too?" I said that she didn't refuse to drink milk, and she wasn't short. Mela kept saying she was short and she must have not drank enough milk. Finally I just said "No she just drinks a lot of coffee, happy?" And so now, whenever I mention my FMA fan character she says "Oh, you mean the one who drank too much coffee and not enough milk?" I just had the thought of how it would be interesting to have called this story something like "The Tale of Two Shortys," but I think that's a much too humorous title for this type of story… heh heh… ;; I think I may start posting links to pictures of my characters sometime, but keep in mind that the designs change around a lot (also I'm not so good at facial expressions or body positions without a picture of reference, so a lot of the pictures look similar to pictures taken from FMA for that reason).


	4. Lost?

**Author's note: **Everyone has regrets, huh? Mine at this time is that I never bothered to type up this story before, and now it's probably stuffed in a box (because we've been moving, and we don't seem to be unpacking anything…) and I'll probably find it in about 5 years… I really don't remember how this chapter had been written. I knew it was Ed's thoughts being shown, but I really don't remember what I'd written. If only Scheska had read my story  lol well something's here… I forgot that it did show Ed's thoughts, but it's not in his point of view. I think Alex is the only one that's gonna happen with. I guess we'll see. This is another shorty (no pun intended).

**Lost?**

"It's still weird for them to be traveling with us," Al said. "I mean, I've just gotten so used to us being on this journey, but no one's ever joined us."

"Yeah," Ed said.

"Why did we agree to it again?"

"Well," Ed said, unsure of the answer. "They said they'd pay for any traveling expenses on their own, and they're looking for the stone, too right? Why not let them come with us?"

"I guess so," Al said.

"Why not?" his own voice echoed back in his head. _I guess I don't really have a reason to give for that, but still._ There had been more than just lack of a reason to say no when he'd agreed to let them join their journey. He laid down on the bed and stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling of his hotel room. He saw the face of Alex in his mind, asking to join them on their search. There had been something in those eyes. Something like a lost child looking for guidance. Ed was brought back from his thoughts by Al.

"Does he-?" Al began. "Alex I mean. Does he… even know the secret we know? About the Philosopher's Stone. We can't just let them go on thinking how we did."

Ed looked away. He didn't know how much Alex and Sarah knew about the stone. Obviously they couldn't know. Even as a National Alchemist he wasn't supposed to be able to find out. Should he tell them? They can't keep believing the way he and Al had. But then… Ed didn't think he would be able to tell them. Alex and Sarah didn't even know the reason he was looking for the stone… then again he didn't know their reason either.

Author's note: meh… This took forever to write. Yes I told you it would be short. Gah! Stupid forgetting what I wrote! Hopefully writing the next chapter won't be so difficult, but I can't guarantee that, so I might get lazy and not update for weeks. Sorry about that heh heh… Then again I might not. We'll just have to wait and see I guess… I'm having trouble trying to get the storyline to unfold… I'm not experienced at this kind of thing… So anyway… please review. No straight out flames please…


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